My New Normal

July 9, 2009

With Shepherd fast approaching the four month mark, I am here wondering where the time has gone. I have to be honest - the first two months of motherhood were really tough. No one could have prepared me for how sleep deprived, emotional, and “un-Aprile” I would feel. But the gloomy fog of the first several weeks lifted when our precious boy started to sleep through the night and mommy got her much needed 7-8 straight hours of sleep (This occurs most nights – I am learning that it’s not a perfect science. For instance, last night he woke up three times for no apparent reason. So frustrating, especially since my sweet husband sleeps right through it!). Since then, I have begun to feel more like more like myself and absolutely LOVE, LOVE, LOVE being Shep’s mom. I have been on a journey of sorts toward discovering what my “new normal” will be as a mommy. I thought I’d take some time to reflect on this “new normal” – the good, the bad, and what I’ve learned along the way. I have formatted this into bullet points because I still have a “baby brain” and struggle to form complete thoughts. J

The joys of my new normal . . .

I have the most adorable baby boy whose smile makes me feel things that I can’t even put into words. There is nothing better than watching him interact with his little infant world. My heart gushes with love for him. I still get choked up nearly every time I gaze into his little blue eyes – tears of pure joy of course. What an amazing gift God has given us! I love our little family.
Sharing the experience of having a child with Greg has taken our relationship to a new level. I have always adored him as a husband. My adoration has grown even more as I have watched him be the most amazing daddy to our son.
I love walking into Shepherd’s room in the morning and seeing him look up at me and smile. It’s like he’s saying, “Thanks for coming mommy. I’m so glad to see you!” What a way to start the day!
I enjoy how I can now relate to other moms. It’s nice being a part of the “mommy club.” I am so thankful for all of the friends who have encouraged and advised me these past few months.
Going out and enjoying some time alone or with Greg is so much more meaningful now. Now that we have Shepherd, date nights really feel like something special. I am so thankful for all the babysitting that Shep’s grandparents have been doing.
I have a newfound appreciation for my Creator. My pregnancy, delivery, and every day since have made me marvel at God’s handiwork. I have Psalm 139:13, 14 written on the wall over Shepherd’s crib: “For you formed my inward parts; you wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” This verse is so much more meaningful now that I have Shepherd.
I am more aware of my need for the Lord. If I had to give one word to describe these first few months as a mom, it would be “HUMBLING.” The sense of responsibility that now weighs heavy on my shoulders as I seek to raise my son to be a man of honor who loves Jesus leads me to my knees again and again. Even with a decent night’s sleep, the mundane tasks of mothering often drain me (I can’t imagine having more than one child!). I sometimes feel as though I have no idea what I’m doing (and none of the books have an answer). I have found these times to be good for me, because they force me to look to Jesus.

The challenges of my new normal . . .

Some days I am bored out of my mind. I have Shepherd on a routine, which I wholeheartedly believe is the best thing for him and for us. But sometimes the days get so monotonous that I want to scream. I am trying to get out of the house more, but Shepherd gets so fussy if we’re out too long. I know this will change really soon, but for now it’s kind-of hard.
I am home more, but get less done. I have a really hard time getting motivated to do anything. Good grief – it took me nearly four months to post a single picture of Shepherd on my website! Shepherd is a pretty good napper, so I have no excuse for why Greg has no clean socks or why the vacuum cleaner is still sitting in the middle of the dining room from when I used it four days ago. I’m not sure how to get over this “funk” I’ve been in. I keep repeating the Nike slogan – “Just do it!” – to myself as I think begrudgingly about the sheets that need to be changed, the floors that need to be mopped, the bills that need to be paid, and the thank-you notes that need to be written.
I really miss being able to get up and go whenever and wherever I want to. I love going to lunch with friends, attending and teaching Bible studies, going to the gym, walking around home accessory stores, going to see movies, and shopping for clothes. None of these things are impossible with a baby, but all of them are a lot harder.
I am so sick of my current wardrobe and am not too fond of my post-pregnancy body. Each morning I look longingly at the cute pre-pregnancy clothes that hang in my closet, begging to be worn again. Unfortunately, most of the shirts are still too tight (I’m nursing and my arms are holding on to some extra fat cells) and none of the pants can be buttoned yet (though I can pull them all the way up – woo hoo!). I have made great progress with the weight loss, but I feel like I have so far to go. I don’t want to buy new clothes, but this “in between” stage is horrible. I am spending a week in Daytona Beach soon. The thought of putting on a bathing suit sends shivers up my spine! Do you think it would be odd to wear a sign that says, “Please excuse the large butt and dimply thighs . . . I just had a baby.”
Having a regular quiet time is harder than ever. I already mentioned the “funk” I have been in. Well, it has really impacted my time with the Lord. I have plenty of opportunities throughout my day to read Scripture and pray, but I often choose to do other things, or nothing at all. Of all the challenges I am currently facing, this one bothers me the most because I know how much I need to “marinate” in the Word and talk to my heavenly Father. How thankful I am for His amazing grace as I struggle in this area.

Some lessons learned as I have navigated my new normal . . .

The first several weeks of Shepherd’s life, I felt like I was walking around in a dark fog, a fog that I couldn’t quite describe and felt no one could understand. For the first time in my life, I had a little taste of depression. As I look back on it, I see how much of it was caused by a lack of sleep (once Shep started sleeping through the night, things turned around completely), but I had moments where I thought I might lose my mind. I felt as though I had lost Aprile and might not ever find her again. I was torn between the most intense love imaginable for my baby and sadness over the loss of my pre-baby life that I enjoyed so much. What this experience taught me is that God really does meet us in the dark places. As much as Greg, my mom, and friends tried to comfort me, the only place where I found any relief was in the arms of my heavenly Daddy. I wasn’t in a state of mind where I could do any intense Bible study or pray any eloquent prayers (most of my praying was crying), but that was okay. God met me where I was – He invaded the dark fog over and over again. Though it didn’t lift right away, it was bearable because He was there in the middle of it. There is a Psalm that says that God collects our tears in a bottle. He needed one of those 5 gallon barrels for the tears I cried during the post-partum period! What consolation it is to know that He cares for us so deeply, that He sees each tear that falls, and seeks to make Himself known to us even when we don’t have the strength to run to Him like we think we should.
I have learned that I need to work harder at developing friendships. I am an introvert through and through. I stink at meeting people and nurturing relationships. I can speak to a crowd of hundreds no problem, but I’m a big weenie when it comes to one-on-one conversations. For most of my life, this has been okay. I have been able to get by with the few close friendships that I have. But since I have had Shepherd, I have seen more clearly my need for deeper relationships with other women, particularly other moms. This will always be a challenge for me, but I am committed to work at it.
I have learned that Shepherd is one-of-a-kind. This sounds obvious, but it was actually a rather hard lesson to learn. When I was pregnant, I read several books on infant care. In fact, I read BabyWise twice and skimmed it a third time so that I would not forget anything. I was determined to get Shepherd on a routine . . . I just assumed he would be the perfect BabyWise baby. Well, he wasn’t. We eventually got a good routine going, but I first had to face the hard facts that Shepherd had not read the books and that he may not fit into the mold that I had shaped for him in my mind. I had to let Shepherd be Shepherd. Comparing him to what the books said or what my friend’s babies were like was so defeating. Once I factored in his unique needs and temperament and relaxed a bit, things got so much better.

I could continue on, but I believe I have reflected quite enough for one afternoon. There are many words I could use to describe my new normal, but the one that comes to mind as I bring this reflection to a close is “beautiful.” Though challenges remain, I have a beautiful baby . . . a beautiful Lord . . . a beautiful life.