I was 15 when I got word that Lauren Hancock, the music minister at my church, felt the call of God to relocate his family and ministry to Arkansas. What made the news so devastating is the fact that Lauren’s daughter, Lindsey, was one of my very best friends. As I said a final goodbye to her and her precious family, I wondered how in the world anyone would be able to fill the gaping hole that was present in my church and my heart.

It wasn’t long before I got my answer – their names were Simeon and Beth Nix. It’s hard to find words to express the impact that they have had on my life. One of my earliest and most precious memories of Simeon and Beth is a choir trip they led to Eleuthera, Bahamas when I was not quite 16 years old. Many of those memories have faded, but I’ll never forget how Simeon led us in worship, how he constantly made us laugh, and how he poked fun at my frequent application of lipstick (yes, my love of lipstick started as early as 15 J). Most of all, I will never forget how he challenged us to minster to others and to share the gospel that week.

That trip was just the beginning. Beth quickly became a dear mentor to me and many of my friends, opening her home to us to come and study God’s Word. She always baked the best chocolate chip cookies, purposely taking them out of the oven a few minutes before they were done – crispy on the edges and doughy in the middle. Perfection! She led us through Experiencing God, The Mind of Christ, Becoming a Woman of Excellence, I Kissed Dating Goodbye, and the list goes on. Her relationship with Simeon and their commitment to live uncompromising, godly lives made a permanent imprint on my life. God used Beth to plant within me a deep reverence and love for the Scriptures. I find in her a kindred spirit and my heart is absolutely broken for her right now.

I could go on and on listing memory after memory, but I’ll just share one more – one more category of memories, actually. Over the past couple of years, nearly every time I saw Simeon, he would come up to me, give me one of those wonderful teddy bear hugs and say, “I’m so proud of you.” He was genuinely excited about how God has gifted me to teach His Word and about the doors that Simeon believed the Lord would one day open for me. Several months ago I was walking in the parking lot of Target when I spotted Simeon driving by in his truck. It would have been the perfect occasion to wave hello, but instead, Simeon pulled over, rolled down his window, and asked me if I was writing or teaching any Bible studies and to let him know when I was. He was always asking about that, sincerely desiring to help in any way he could. When my website finally went online, Simeon was the first person to sign my guestbook, communicating once again how proud he was of me and of what God was doing in my life. He was an amazing encourager, and I will forever cherish his words.

When I got the call that Simeon had passed away, I just sat on the edge of my bed frozen. Greg rushed out of the house and went directly to the hospital. Once he was gone, the tears started to flow. I remember laying flat on my back in my bed, making fists with both of my hands, and screaming to God, “Why are you allowing this?” No clear answers came that night. I’m not very old, but I’ve lived long enough to know they never will – not this side of heaven. In the midst of the silence, there was only one thing I could do – find refuge in who God is even though I was devastated by what He had allowed. He is a holy God, which means all that He is, He is in absolute perfection – perfect love, perfect sovereignty, perfect wisdom, perfect peace. He is eternal, enthroned in the heavens, and Lord over all. I’ve been marinating in the truths of Deuteronomy 32:3-4 for the past few days: “Oh, praise the greatness of our God! He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he.” God is faithful, He is good, He does no wrong. What I see and feel today doesn’t look a lot like goodness or faithfulness. That is why I must walk by faith, believing that God’s eternal purposes have somehow been served by the homegoing of my dear pastor, mentor, teacher, counselor, encourager, and friend. Even in the midst of life’s greatest mysteries and disappointments, God is enough. We’ve got to believe and cling to that.

Philippians 1:21-24 says, “For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” More than any other Scripture, these verses capture the tension that I feel in my heart right now.

I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that for Simeon, death was indeed a great gain. I know that departing from this world and being with Christ “is better by far,” and I rejoice in the fact that Simeon is present with the Lord right now. But for those of us who are still here, it’s not that simple. We are torn because we also know that just like Paul, if Simeon were to go on “living in the body” it would mean fruitful labor for him – labor that would no doubt have an eternal, kingdom impact . . . labor that from our perspective, we still desperately need and long for. I don’t understand why God would take one of his greatest warriors out of the battle. Again, we must “live by faith, not by sight  . . .” (2 Cor. 5:7).

I’ve been trying to bring this to a conclusion for about three paragraphs now. I tend to ramble more when I’m sad. Here’s my last attempt at a closing thought. As I was driving to the grocery store yesterday, I was thinking about many of the things I have shared in this reflection. As I pondered these things, an overwhelming sense of gratitude washed over me. I thought of how many people never got to go on a mission trip with Simeon, eat his wife’s chocolate chip cookies, sing in a choir he led, feel the warmth of one of his big bear hugs, hear him say, “I’m proud of you,” be taught how to pray by his example, or sit under his Spirit-led leadership in worship. Those of us who know him, who were ministered to by him, who are challenged by his example, and who wonder how we’ll go on without him – we are a blessed group of people. Though I wish God had granted him more time with us, I praise God for every moment He did grant. What a great man we have had the privilege of knowing . . . a man who loved people deeply, served the body of Christ selflessly, and worshipped God passionately. May we fervently seek to honor and preserve his legacy by following in his steps.